The deepest thinking that’s holding you back

What is the deepest thinking that is holding you back?

I mean… the deepest paradigms that are limiting you. They’re like a vein of thinking that keep repeating themselves, a frustration that keeps recurring, or a feeling in the body of edginess that seems to just recur.

It's the 4th of Jan 2023. I've noticed it recently myself, that I'm living in a repeating vein of thinking. It's all sort of jumbled together. It's very deep conditioning and it's a mix of things.

It's “I need to make money, I need to have enough, I need to keep working so that I have enough”.

Coupled with “I need to do well, I need to keep up with others, I need to be perceived to be doing well.”

Coupled with “I want to be loved, I want to be wanted and to be valued. I want to get ‘likes’, I want to feel part of community”.

So, all of that subconscious thought gets jumbled together.

And when I have those things ie.when I feel like I have enough, when I am getting praise, when I am doing well - I feel good.
But when these criteria aren't satisfied in my being, I feel edgy.

And the edginess is uncomfortable. It shows up at various points. If I read somebody else's post on LinkedIn or Facebook where I find myself admiring them and being in some way jealous, or if I lose some business or if something doesn't go well, or if I don’t get many ‘likes’ on a post (how crazy, but sometimes true), or I simply feel sluggish at the start of the year - the edginess pops up and it's uncomfortable.

The edginess needs praise, it needs financial security, it needs to be loved, it needs to feel enough.

And because the edginess is uncomfortable - it propels me to get busy, to work hard so that I don't feel this discomfort. So off I run… into the year, driving hard and fast almost solely to avoid my uncomfortable feelings.

Let me ask “What is dominating you? Where is your insecure ego showing up?”

So this year I've had enough of this feeling. I've had enough of this negative driver. I've been observing it and I realise it's a trap. It's a trap that many people live their whole lives in. They think that to avoid this uncomfortable feeling, I've got to run, I've got to achieve, I've got to do, et cetera, et cetera. I see it as part of an illusion and I don't want it to dictate my life anymore.

You could, of course, see this as normal. But I see that it doesn't need to be this way. My life doesn’t need to be dominated and driven by looking good or having enough. It’s not freedom. I am committed to living a life free from this.

And that doesn't mean that I'm not going to work hard, or that I'm not going to achieve lots. It doesn't mean that I'm not going to set goals. But I'm not going to do it from this place of running in order to avoid the edginess.

So what am I going to do?

Step one, I'm going to sit with the feeling. When it arises, I'm going to observe it as a feeling in my body, just as a feeling as a sensation, without being immersed in the story that I attached to the feeling. The feeling is simply a trigger that developed in my childhood or early adulthood. So, I'm going to sit with the feeling.

Step number two, I'm going to breathe and be present.

Step number three, I'm going to go inside and be guided by the life I know I want to live. I want to live and work not led by this feeling but guided by my inner knowing, my deeper calling in any moment. So I’ll keep checking in - is where I'm coming from, from this inner calling, rather from avoidance of this feeling?

My commitment to you, but really my commitment to myself, is that I'm really going to play with this ‘big time’.

The noise in the mind may carry on. The feeling may continue to arise, but I'm going to shift how I experience it, I’m going to take away its power. I'm going to focus on following my own path – being authentic, being true to myself, being strong, following my wisdom.

So watch this space! I will report back.

And I'm curious to know – does this resonate for you? What negative feelings arise for you? What are you running away from? What is your strategy to avoid suffering?

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